Pandemic 101 for Couples
A couple was having trouble last year, and it looked as though they were headed for a breakup. Then lockdown came, and I didn’t hear from them for a while. This happens sometimes; couples need to step back and take stock of what has gone on in therapy. A few months later, I heard from them again. Both women wanted to come back to treatment, this time with renewed commitment to each other and to therapy.
What prompted their return? The troubling state of the world, they said. At a time when everything else felt chaotic, they realized that they had each other. It made them aware that they faced a choice: To make their home a haven from the disarray of the world, or let the disruption overwhelm the relationship.
Not every couple has a light-bulb moment in dangerous times. Even for those who have done well holed up together, sheltering in place has highlighted existing differences. For couples who were already undergoing tensions before COVID hit, the pandemic and the restrictions to combat it have amplified the distress.
If you’re working at home, the divide between your job and your life has become unrecognizable. In the event one of you has been laid off, that member of the couple is likely wrestling with anger, frustration, boredom, and maybe a sense of failure. Everyone, it seems, is stretched thin. And if you have kids, there’s a raft of other issues to consider, and I’ll be doing so in a future post. For now, let’s focus on the two of you.
Make sheltering in place easier on your relationship
Couples therapy is a way to address challenges before they become corrosive, and certainly after. But here are ways to take care of your relationship that you can start doing today, to help alleviate the stress brought on by the pandemic.
Create new rituals—and continue those you already have.
Taco Tuesday, a Friday night movie, and regularly scheduled Zoom dates with friends and family are ways to build in shared experiences and to re-introduce the structure that has been yanked from your schedule. There’s no substitute for in-person gathering. But giving yourselves a treat to look forward to with activities set into the calendar offers distraction, connection, and fun.
One couple I know has a stay-in-bed routine on Saturday morning. For many married couples, this time of high stress—home-schooling, banned activities, and job loss—has dampened the desire for physical intimacy. Despite all they’re facing down, the two of them are making every effort to maintain a ritual they established long ago.
Share the housework.
If one of you tends to take on more cleaning or laundry than the other, re-distribute the load. And mix it up. If one partner traditionally does more of the cooking, let the other make dinner a few nights a week. This requires patience and flexibility, because you may have to give up on having things done your way. It’s worth it.
Give each other space.
Often, one member of a couple often has more of a loner streak than the other. Now’s the time to be especially aware of that difference. It’s usually the case in relationships that in times of stress, one of you tends to be the pursuer and the other the distancer. This difference may be part of what drew you to each other, and it’s actually a dynamic that many successful relationships rely on.
The pandemic, a fear-inducing condition, may have magnified anxieties you brought with you into the relationship. Those who are pursuers may find themselves needing more displays of affection than before. Those who are distancers might need more alone time than in the past. However this plays out in your relationship, it’s important to remember that your partner’s needs don’t always mirror your own.
Make an event of mealtime.
Candles, soft lighting, mood music: If you and your spouse are out of the habit of eating dinner together, now’s a good time to start. Even if you’ve each been at your laptop in the same room all day, you have been apart. Cooking together is a way to reunite at the end of the day and do something hands-on that’s unrelated to work and puts you squarely in the moment, together.
Build in time to do nothing.
The worldwide crisis at hand has forced restrictions on all of us. For many, sheltering in place feels akin to being penned in, which in turn, feels like a throwback to childhood. In the way that kids need unstructured time to do nothing—which helps them build an interior life and a sense of independence—you and your partner each need time to do nothing and just be. This will help reclaim the sense of self that’s being challenged as you’ve been forced into roles and habits not of your choosing.
Why Therapy?
The suggestions above apply anytime, but they’re especially worth remembering now. Couples therapy can help improve communication, increase intimacy, and shine a light on unhelpful patterns. You’ll claim a deeper sense of who you are as individuals and as a unit.
If you and your partner are interested in learning about couples therapy, give me a call at 213-807-6021 to set up a free, 20-minute consultation.